Apply the 3 H’s and Unboss a Little

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I recently gleaned some advice from a special education teacher that provides great, practical insight for leaders and/or peers in any work environment or situation. (P.S., it works between spouses, partners, parents, friends too). Here it is: When a person comes to you and is emotionally upset, ask the following: Do you want to be helped, heard or “hugged?” (You can phrase it in whatever conversational way you want).

Finding out whether the person you care about wants to be helped, heard or hugged is really asking, “how can I meet your needs?” Oftentimes, especially when we are the boss, there is a propensity to want to FIX things. Our listening ears shut down and we jump to the solution pump. That may not be what people are looking for. They often simply want to be able to vent. To exacerbate matters, the “I can help you fix it” mentality can be interpreted as being primarily for the fixer (masked as, “I want to make you and the problem go away”). That may not be the conscious intention of the “fixer,” but it can feel that way for the person who wants to talk and be really heard. (This has taken me 70 years to understand, and I still try and be Mr. Fix It before I slap myself on the side of my head, and stop to ask).

By posing the 3 H’s, we’re asking permission, being very intentional, and showing empathy. Ironically, it is often what people are looking for when they come to us and we’re in positions of authority. They actually want to be unbossed. They usually have the solutions or fragments thereof and mostly need understanding and care from a person of trust.

By the way, if it’s a work environment, you obviously have to be clear on the “hug” ask. A virtual air hug can go a long way if authentic and caring.

Great (not perfect) leaders have the ability to keep their egos in check. Being an effective boss is often knowing when to unboss. Kindly ask if people want to be Helped, Heard or Hugged.

Think Big, Start Small, Act Now,

- Lorne

One Millennial View: This is nice. In a little self-accountability exercise, wouldn’t it be nice if when we need to be helped, heard, or hugged, we didn’t pretend the trusted participant is a mind reader? That might be where this goes awry. As a “fix it” person myself, it can be a tough time finding value in listening to someone vent, unless we’re then trying to figure out a speedy solution. As you can guess, that’s a whoopsie, even if a solutionless rant doesn’t always make much sense to me. I’ve learned it doesn’t matter if it makes sense, it just is. However, when we care about someone, the value is that we listen… Look, just anticipate people want to be hugged or heard, because if they actually want help they’ll probably be more direct about that ask. Or better yet, ask the 3 H’s in advance.

- Garrett

Edited and published by Garrett Rubis.

Apply the 3 H’s and Unboss a Little

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